I wonder why a good bit of the human population is so hung up on finding somebody to love. (QUEEN MOMENT!). Why is it that I don't go a day, hell a single hour without thinking about what it would be like to have someone to call my own? Why is it that I want someone so badly that it effects even the clothes I put on in the morning? And why is it that I want to experience a relationship so badly that I force myself to like someone that's not even my type? I go creating illusions, finding things about the particular guy that I like, overlooking the things I hate, even learning to like them. I go out of my way to be what said guy wants, almost losing myself in the process just because I want to be someone he needs, someone who is important to him.
Let's take Ravenwood, for example. *interjection: I know I said I wouldn't mention him in this blog anymore, but I promise, this is THE last time.* He tall, dark, handsome, smart, understanding, and reasonably nice. On the other hand, he is arrogant, a bit sadistic, passive, elusive, and a bit mean. He likes metal. He likes short girls (I'm 5'8) and simply put, he's just not my type. Let me say this: I sort of like that he's all of these things, really. But it gets old you know. I like getting to know a person deeper than their flaws and he simply has not let me in. I like being let in. I like being confided in. That's it, right there.
I want a man who will confide in me. I want a man who is tall, dark, handsome, smart, understanding, especially generous, confident, not arrogant, compassionate, slightly elusive but knows when to let down the walls. I want a man who will watch movies that interest me and not purposefully display that he hates the movie like the plague. I want a man who will sing along to all my favorite songs with me (in other words, have at least some interest in the same music as I do). I want a man who's just as touchy-feely as I am (I like the thought of forever touching my man's face, his neck, his hands, his arms, his hair, just his BODY). I want a guy who will love me and want me for who I am, ya know?
But why do I want that so badly? Why is that part of my main goal in life? Shouldn't I be wanting to experience other things alone before I go loving someone? Should I want to figure this mess I call Myself before I go trying to figure someone else out? Hell yea. So what the fuck, dude? What the fuck?
Maybe I should just force myself into realizing that as of now, I need no one. All I need is me. You know what they say, don'cha? 'Fake it till you make it.' Okay, yea. Let's do that.
Btw. Day 4 up there. Went to the movies and saw Killers and Iron Man 2. Both good. Not great. Just good. I'll have to do a post on movies.
posted by loreal @ 6:00 PM