Let's take on the physical aspect of things: You guys know what I look like. I'm black (I really hate using 'black' to describe the type of person I am. Why can't I say brown without sounding silly? Whatevs) I'm 5'8, I have short, tightly coiled, black hair with auburn highlights in the sun, I have almond shaped eyes, full lips, and an average body type (for the moment). I have a short torso and long arms and legs, large hands with slender fingers and big narrow feet. I wear hearing aids in both ears. I'm awkward. Hurrah.
Personality? Let's have a stab at it (I've been wanting to say that phrase for days, hehe). I'm sarcastic, witty, and relatively blunt. I like to keep shit real. I can be shy and quiet or I can be outgoing and extremely loud and embarrassing (and I wonder why I'll be single for the rest of my life). Most of the time, I'm friendly and vulnerable (which usually leads to people taking advantage of me) but sometimes I can be cold and hard (only towards people who have hurt me). I leave my heart open. Always. I trust people much too easily, but once you fuck that trust, you'll never get it back. Ever. I'm loyal. I'm very protective of those I care about and get very angry at those who cross them. I'm trustworthy. To this day, any secret that has been shared with me has remained a secret. I'm painfully emotional. I don't like to cry (how contradictory is this?) in front of people but when I do cry, I'm alone and I'm going for hours and I enjoy it. Otherwise, if we watch a movie, any kind of movie, chances are I'm going to cry. Especially if it's a romantic comedy or some kind of drama. Even the kiddy ones like Toy Story 3. I also act on my emotions often, which is bad, I know. I'm compassionate, always. I always show sympathy and I crave making people feel better. I'm an attention whore. There I said it. I love attention. I mean I don't go out of my way to get it (i.e. do stupid shit like dress slutty or something) but when I get it, I bask in it. Sometimes, I have anger issues. If you push me enough, I get fucking insane. I try to control this because I'm genuinely afraid that I might hurt someone. I'm random. I do random shit cause I think it's funny at that moment. I will make weird noises out of no where or suddenly start dancing wildly to absolutely no music. I like to do things spur of the moment. I love laying in the middle of the road or skipping on a crowded side walk. I like doing things that make people go 'wtf?' I'm starting to sound insane. I'm extremely liberal. Extremely. I'm Athiest Agnostic (already made a post about this). I'm a thinker. I think so much, I mindfuck myself. I'm a potty mouth. I like to curse. I curse like a sailor. I like the word fuck. A lot. A LOT. FUCK. Sounds so good and feels good saying it. I don't know if this is personality but I have a serious sex drive, despite the fact that I'm a virgin. I think about sex a lot. Like, probably 10983743 times a day seriously. It's weird though because it's not just sex, it's sex and relationships, 24/7.
I'm realistic when it comes to society and politics. However, I'm definitely fanciful. I like using my imagination, pretending my life and this world is something that it definitely is not and probably will never be. I like to believe in spirits and luck and the idea that nothing is a coincidence, but everything happens for a reason. I believe in being the leading lady of your own life, determining your own fate. I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in love with all my heart and I always will. I've been in love. I know I'm 17 and all, whatever, but I definitely know what it is to be in love. I want to feel that again. Even though I've had my heart broken numerous times I can never bring myself to stop believing. I've experienced everything in the book. I've been cheated on, lied to, taken advantage of, everything. I should have written off ever finding someone a long time ago, the shit I've been through. But somehow I still believe that out there somewhere is someone for me.
Fears? Alright let's give it a shot. My ultimate fear is darkness. I am 17 years old and I still can't sleep without a night light. I'm so lame. I feel like I'm fucking myself over for posting this. Every time I try to adjust to the darkness, I wound up seeing things I know are not there. My mind somehow starts creating monsters in the dark. These monsters are inside me and they come out in the darkness. I can't deal with that. Another fear of mine is fear of failure. I am so afraid that I will be nothing in life. Or that I will commit suicide (this is a serious possibility). I also deathly afraid of losing my mom or my sister. I cannot picture my life without either of them.
So I guess I'll go into what I like. I like books. Love books. I want a whole house filled with books, every single room. I have this fantasy where I buy a house just for my books maybe 100 feet away from my actual house that has a path and everything I can walk on to get to it and it's a house where I just read. Every book I own is in that house, every book I've ever wanted to read. My own personal library where no one is allowed but myself and my family and really really close friends. NO BOOKS WILL LEAVE THAT HOUSE. I like to write (poetry, analyzing society HEY NEW POST IDEA WUT!). I like to dance; all kinds of dancing. I want to learn ballroom dancing, ballet, salsa, belly dancing (so sensual), hip hop, EVERYTHING. I love movies. Romance, top notch action/horror, dramas, everything. I love music, I can't live without music. I like being outside, I have deep admiration for nature. I love running. I love hiking. I love climbing. I love going for long drives, taking risks, walking around in my underwear. I LOVE GETTING TO KNOW PEOPLE, I can't emphasize this enough. I like getting into a person's brain and learning their secrets, their history. I feel like that's how you really connect to a person, getting a chance to truly know every aspect of the person that they are. I like it when people let me in and trust me. I like being important to people. I like the thought of making love. I always enjoy a great orgasm while masturbating (this is my blog ain't it?). I like vivid details, pretty colors, I love animals and strange things, strange people. I like touching people (try not to read too far into that). I like food. Italian food chinese food AMERICAN food. I like apple juice. I like the smell of sweet things like vanilla. I like handmand decor. I like presents, I like holidays. I like intense conversations, heated arguments. I like literature and the arts. I love sunshine and pretty days. I love spring time. I love concerts. I like when boys make the first move. I like a lot of stuff, it's ridiculous. I like learning new ideas, new facts. I like drinking hot chocolate or hot tea, curled up with a good book. I love old things, vintage things. I like cuddling. I like boys. Boys boys boys. I like boys with long hair. I like boys with a harsh look to them. I like boys who make themselves vulnerable to me. I like boys who are tall and strong. I like boys who have good taste in music and movies. I like boys with a good sense of humor. I like nerdy, smart boys. I. Like. Boys. I'm probably missing 103947 things.
What about what I hate? I hate when it rains. I hate when people talk to you often and then, out of the blue, they decide you're not worth talking to anymore. I hate when boys play games and decide not to text you back, or people in general for that matter. I hate being cold. I hate it when people don't open up to me. I hate that I'm not important to anyone. I hate when I'm depressed, which is often. I hate that I wear hearing aids. I hate that I'm stupid. I hate poverty. I hate cruelty. I hate twisted politics. I hate society. I hate stupid rules. I dislike people who refuse to acknowledge that they're wrong. I hate being selfish or seeing other people's selfishness. I hate ignorance. I hate prejudice. I hate pain and suffering. I hate not being able to help. I hate that my mom wasn't able to get a good education. I hate what they did to me. Kay I'll stop cause not I'm getting heated up lol.
I will probably come back to this and add stuff often lol.
posted by loreal @ 8:31 PM