Straight hair. I had it once. I remember loving it when it was fried & laid to the side just right, y'all. I also remember hating it when it just didn't flow right or it was too puffy or it didn't flip how I wanted it to. I remember being extremely self conscious. If my hair didn't look good, I didn't feel good. I prayed that the next week it would be done right and I'd have that flippy, shiny hair that I longed for. My hair was also my veil. It hid my face, hid my emotion and I hid like frightened child behind that shoulder-length hair. God forbid I should cut it!
It wasn't until October of 2009 that my hair really got to me. I wondered why on earth my hair had stayed shoulder length for all these years, why wasn't it growing? Why wasn't it long and flowing, like the next girls? Why wasn't it shiny? Mind you, I'd just had the best perm of my 16 years. I was on my way to a week long Leadership program in Washington D.C. and my hair had never looked better. And felt so confident! But it still bugged me that my hair had stopped growing (or so I felt like it had). And while I was there, I roomed with two white girls. It was embarrassing as hell to have them watching me as I wrapped my hair every night. Why couldn't I just leave it and wake up in the morning with hair that was easy to fix, like theirs? No, if I didn't wrap mine, it'd be a damn mess the next morning.
This lead to some serious research composed the very day after I returned home. I wanted to know. How could I grow my hair long and healthy? Was there another way to care for my hair? I hadn't looked through 2 websites before I read those life-changing words: go natural. Holy shit, what was this? I hadn't even known the word natural till that moment. Then I realized, why had I never thought of this before? Why is this so new to me?
Then it hit me: I had been programmed. Brainwashed. I know I sound like every other natural out there, but it's the truth. I had never given my 'nappy' roots a second thought. If I ever felt them it was 'time for a perm' and that was all there was to it. I had never before wondered why I permed my hair or why I never explored my natural roots. I had been led to believe that my natural hair was 'bad' hair. And straight was the only way. I felt sad. Then I felt angry. & then I realized what I had to do. I had to go natural.
I decided that October 6th, 2009 would be my the last day I ever laid eyes on the creamy crack. I transitioned for 4 months and a day and on that life-changing day...
Let me describe it for you in articulate detail.
The day was February 7th, 2010 and I woke up with this thought on my mind: Today was the day. It had to be the day. I had already been pondering it the whole week. I had gone over the subject carefully & thoroughly. Pros and cons list, what I needed to take care of my new hair, you name it, I covered it. Now I only had to get through my mother. Yes you all know the story. She was in every way against my chopping all my 'long beautiful hair she worked so hard to take care of'.... Don't EVEN get me started on that.
So I got out of bed right? And I went straight to the bathroom and did my bidnass.. No I'm just kidding! LOL. In all seriousness, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. And guess what I did. I smiled. I was ready!. After months of twisting my hair every night, dealing with my raggedy straight hair falling out, I knew that I was ok with doing this. TODAY. So I went to my mother. She knew it too. But of course, being the stubborn lovely woman she is, she put up a fight. Going on and on about how I was throwing all her hard work away and how she refused to do it. But I'd made up my mind and her attempts were futile. I wanted it done. I was too afraid to do it myself and she was the only one I trusted with a pair of scissors.
I set up the laptop (intending to record this historical event on cam) and sat down prepared to shed my permed ends. For 2 and half seconds I was gripped with fear. That soon passed. And as the scissors snipped on and my hair fell into my mothers lap, I felt alleviated. A felt as thought a huge burden was released and I was free. And when it was done and over with I went to the mirror. Yea it was short. But for the first time in my life I realized that I was beautiful. And I soon learned that I had nothing to worry about. All would be well.
Going to school was hard. The first day back was nerve racking, I was frightened out of my mind. But as the first day back wore on, I got over that fear and realized that all that mattered was my opinion of myself, not the opinion of others. I got looks but I walked on with my head high because I thought I looked gorgeous with my hair like this. And besides. It's just hair. It would grow. What had I to worry about?
Since, I have gained so much self esteem and when I look in the mirror I see a pretty girl. I love myself now. I have never been able to say that before. I'm content.
posted by loreal @ 5:12 PM