But things began to happen to me... I won't say what things because there I people I know that read this blog and frankly, it would alter my world. I don't need that right now. Anyway... I prayed for them to end. I prayed, I prayed, I prayed till there were tears streaming down my eyes. I said I was sorry because I thought it was my fault. I said I would be good and I'd try to not let it happen again. But nothing helped. I was a mere child, 11 or 12, I didn't know what else to do and it wouldn't end. So I thought I deserved it. I stopped praying for it to end. Then I prayed for good things to happen. I prayed for my cousin who was always sick. She got worse. I prayed that we would always be happy. My house burned down. Twice. I prayed that my mom and dad would be okay financially. It got worse. Finally I realized that no one was listening. I stopped praying.
But I was desperate at times. I was always very depressed when I was younger. Growing up with a hearing disability made it really hard to communicate with people so I was always alone. Not even my family could understand me. I was just so lonely and there was so much love inside me that I wanted to share. I tried to turn back to God time and time again but again, I would realize that there was no one listening.
Then I begin to develop a mind of my own and think for myself. I thought about the beginning of earth from the religious perspective. I thought, who created the earth? God, apparently did, in 6 days. Ok. Who created humans? God, duh, remember Adam and Eve? Fine. But so God created all of this life. But who created God? I asked my mom. Something about 7 gods creating God? Wtf? I have no idea, let's just go with it.. So then I was like, well who created those 7 dudes? I would picture the universe merging in some dark space to create these 7 superior beings. Then the final question, so if the universe is responsible for everything we are, everything we know, who created the universe? And I would go into this sort of mindfuck. I would stare at whatever I was looking at like holy fuck, how and why did I think this far back? I would just sit there going 'so was there just a white space and something just happened and all of a sudden there was matter and kinetic energy and blackness and little balls of energy we call stars and shit just collided to merge into planets and air was formed and the solar system went into motion and HOLY FUCK WHY DOES NO ONE KNOW THIS!?
So somehow this post went from believing in God to the creation of the universe. I dunno.
Everything we know about religion has been related to us via written records. God himself did not write any of the the bible or pieces of literature many humans live by. They were written by mere men. Men lie. There is not a single human being who can say that he has not lied at some point in his life. Hell, the bible could have been written by fucking psychos for all we know. And some shit in the bible is pretty fucked up. For instance, women who are not virgins upon being married are to be murdered. Or or or, there was a story about God asking one of his followers to murder his child to prove his belief? The fact that the man was willing to kill his child to please this God in itself is pretty fucked up. Even the whole Adam and Eve story is pretty fucked up. Did their kids have sex with each other to multiply? But incest is wrong? No. None of it makes since.
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THOSE BIBLE THUMPING CHRISTIANS. I've come across a few. So being gay is soooo sinful huh? Right? Why? Because it's in the bible? You know what else is in the bible? Women aren't supposed to speak out. Technically, I should be severely punished for writing this post. I should be keeping up the house and making sure everything is just so for the MAN. I should be wrapped up in all sorts of cloth, not letting a single hair in sight because that's just unholy. No Christian should be eating pork. Neither should they be playing soccer. Or wearing mixed patterns. And you better not cut your hair a certain way, you're going straight to hell!
:|
Ok I'm done. Needed to let all of that out. Sorry for those of you that had to read this lol.
posted by loreal @ 11:18 PM