I want to be independent. I feel like everything I do is because I want attention. I do want attention very badly. But I need to learn to be happy with myself. I need to stop looking for companionship and find a companion within myself. I need to be my own best friend.
I want to focus on other things other than myself. I've come to discover that I am extremely self-centered. I hate this about myself. I want to include others in my goals. I want to be a part of someone else's dream. I want to help. I sometimes fantasize about being extremely active advocate for humanity. Going all over the world to do whatever I can to improve the lives of others. I've been thinking about peace corps... We'll see where life takes me. I also picture myself being rich enough to donate shitloads of money to aid those who don't have the resources we do.
I want to eventually be a vegetarian. My problem with this? I like food. I love food. And I can't picture food without a meat product. I mean I've cut out red meats and such. But I still love me some chicken, fish, and turkey. I figure I'll just ease into it. I'll slowly let go of eat meat as time goes by. I think the chicken is going first. The fish/seafood may just stick around...
I want confidence. I want to feel comfortable enough with myself that I can do or say whatever the fuck I want and not feel embarrassed about it. I wanna fucking fall down the stairs and genuinely be able to laugh about it. I want to walk around my house fucking naked and think 'damn, I'm sexy'. I don't care how conceited that sounds, that's what I want. I'm getting there. I can now walk around in my underwear and think 'wow girl, CHECK THAT BODY!' 19.6 more pounds to lose.
I want to be a runner. My whole life, I've always wanted to do long distance. Why, I have no idea. But the thought of just running until you feel like you're floating and you no longer feel your legs, and you feel like you could run for days. That's the feeling I crave, the adrenaline. I want runner's high. I want to be able to run a marathon and finish like I'd only ran 10 miles.
I want to be the epitome of fitness. I want to go into this a bit though. Fit girls look beautiful and everything, really. I just don't see myself being this small girl with muscles protruding out of my arms or thighs. I barely want the toned look. I just want to slim down and be able to run 30+ miles, do 400 crunches, and 100 push ups. Is that so much to ask for? :( I love my long legs. I don't want them to be muscular. I want them toned but still soft. I want fatless arms. I want a flat tummy that doesn't have abs. Because in the end of all this I still want to feel womanly.
I want to be that weird girl that walks about the house naked when no one else is home. I want to be able to trace the lines of my body and feel absolutely in love with myself. Damn that sounds narcissistic, doesn't it? I know but this post is about self love so go with it. Anyway, as I was saying. I want to dance about the house in absolutely nude and love every second of it. 19 pounds to go.
I want to be incredibly intelligent. This goal is really tough for me. I really stupid. No really. I'm barely passing AP Chemistry. How I got in there blows my mind, really. Why did I apply for that class? Anywayyy. It's my own fault, though, that I'm dumber than a pile of shit. I do nothing but chat and tumble and write in this blog all day long. I don't read as much as I used to. I've stopped writing, which is my passion. I never study for anything. And I wonder why my SAT scores are so low. I'm not helping myself. Everyday that I come home and get on the laptop, I set myself up for failure. I procrastinate wayy too much, it's really very stupid of me. I don't know what state I'm in. Insanity, depression. I have no idea. But for one reason or another I'm afraid of failure. Thus, I don't do anything. But in doing nothing, I'm already failing. So I figure, why not just try instead of making myself miserable. I realize my problem, see. Yet I do nothing about it. I want to. I see myself being this incredibly intelligent girl that dominates in maths, literature, and the sciences. I see myself sitting there studying up a storm. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I need to fix it. I will try to get shit together over the Christmas break. Or now, right after I post this entry.
I want to be the girl everyone can get along with. I really like being nice to people. I don't know why but being mean is just so unappealing. I really don't get how people can be so evil. Maybe this makes me naive, but I don't see why anyone would need to be spiteful. It simply doesn't make sense to me, ya know?
I want to meet other people like myself. I want that friend I can be completely open with and not fear that letting my guard down will lead to betrayal.
I want to be a musical goddess. Yes. I said it. I have an okay taste in music for the moment. But I want to be the guru of music. I want to be the girl people come to for musical advice. I want to be able to know a good song when I hear one. I want amazing, life changing songs on my mp3 player. Not only that, but I also want to learn to play music. I want to learn to sing (I. am. so. horrible). I want to learn to play the guitar, the piano, the violin, the bass. I want to know how to put something together and write a song for the gods.
Oh goodness, I could go on for hours. There is so much I want to be.
Basically, I want immortality and my version of perfection.
Song of the moment:
posted by loreal @ 7:36 PM