Now I'm just confused. There are days when I feel hideous and fat and just ugh and there are days when I feel like I've never looked more beautiful. In this journey to be healthy, I'm in a place where I'm not fat but I'm not slim. My body looks good. I'm okay with it. I tolerate it. And technically, at 165, I am healthy. But then there is the cellulite and I look good while standing but then I bend over and my tummy is like rolls galore. And I have stretch marks. On my hips, on the inside of my thighs. I have scars on my legs. It's all very embarrassing. I'm scared as hell to have my boyfriend touch and feel this body with all it's unattractive bits. I'm afraid that he won't like it.
But I've been thinking lately. My stretch marks are here. I have them. They aren't going away. And I don't mind them that much, really. I mean, if I stare in the mirror, I barely notice them. They are not the big of a deal about them. So if I don't mind them that much, why am I worried about what Jason will think about them? Chances are he won't care all that much either. He won't care about my cellulite or the hundreds of scars all over my body. And I won't care either.
Really it's the fat I'm worried about. I have love handles. Really round, think thighs. A bit of a muffin top. And I'd like a smaller waist. And because Jason is a lot slimmer than I am, I feel like he'll be aware of the extra pounds I need to shed. I started this weight loss journey for myself. To be happy with myself. But I'll be damned if I lose my virginity feeling like a fat ass the entire time. Thus, I will lose the final 20 pounds in time for summer. I have plenty of time, and there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be able to do that.
Overall, I like the shape of my body. I do think I have a lovely figure. It's just I think I'll feel a lot better once I'm 20 pounds lighter.
posted by loreal @ 7:05 PM