You know the hardest part about being in a relationship? Especially a long distance relationship? No it's not the fact that I can't touch him or kiss him, hard as that shit really is. It's knowing, just being 100% sure that you care more about him than he does about you. That shit is so fucking painful. I'm pissed. He was supposed to call me this morning and we were supposed to talk for a really long time, at least an hour. HE FELL ASLEEP AT HIS FRIEND'S HOUSE BTW. And not even 10 minutes go by and he's like 'babe, I'm gonna go back to sleep, I'm really tired'. LIKE WTF? I AM PISSED. 10 FUCKING MINUTES!? YOU SHOULD HAVE WENT HOME LAST NIGHT. Ugh. And he doesn't read my blog. Only when I remind him that this actually exists, only then does he show any kind of interest in reading it and even then, he just reads one post. Yet he's on the internet quite often. He doesn't even know about my weight loss blog cause he never asks me questions about anything. On the other hand, I've pretty much read his entire blog, because, unlike him, I give a shit about what he has to say. I've watched just about all of his videos on youtube, I listen to his cute little songs, and I try to keep up on what he does with his creativity. I always ask him questions about his life. I wrote him a letter in 2 days that is three pages, front and back, long, PLUS, I have small hand writing so it's A LOT. He still isn't finished with mine. Because he's 'busy'. He's always busy. Hanging out with friends or just reading up the news. I mean he has a life, I don't blame him. I shouldn't be mad. But I am. I don't know. I feel like a pile of shit. I hate knowing I care about this relationship more than he does. I spend so much of my day thinking about him. And I don't think he senses when I'm mad, like I won't text him for hours at a time, and I feel like shit when I do that, but I want him to understand that I'm fucking pissed off. What's worse is he knows the type of person I am. He knows that I constantly need attention. I'm not quite sure if he cares anymore. I mean he says he does. I just don't feel like he does. I'm not gonna talk to him anymore today. I'm just gonna study chemistry, hope he texts me, but I won't respond to any of them. Not until he catches on that I'm pissed.
I could just tell him how I'm feeling. 'Cause he is my boyfriend and I need to communicate with my boyfriend. But the thing is, I've already told him that I feel like I care more about him than he does about me. I mean I didn't elaborate cause I wasn't thinking then, I was just pissed. I still am so if I tell him, I'll just sound like an idiot. And I don't want to sound like a naggy bitch.
I feel hurt. It's not supposed to be like this. I feel like this is falling apart.
posted by loreal @ 12:29 PM
